today:

skinny vanilla latte
liberte no sugar fruit+oats

falafel sandwhich + barley/lentil chard soup

bread + hummus

6 slices mediteranean pizza with dip
toffuti cutti


yesterday:
coffee
beef pho, lemonade

bagel + cream cheese
bread + hummus
kalbasa
salami

barley + lentil soup with chard



sunday:

barley soup
veg + beef stew with beans and rice

tea + small sweet

chili
2 oranges
granola

sat:

pho + 1 chicken roll (non deep fried) with peanut sauce

pita and dip
curry noodles with chicken and veg

friday:

skinny vanilla latte + yoghurt
vietnamese noodles with pork and chicken + spring roll

lentil soup
chicken shwarma

lots of alcohol

thur:

skinny vanilla latte + non fat strawberry yoghurt

probably had more vermecili noodles at the thai place for lunch

korean bimbimbap for dinner

worked out - 30 mins cardio, 15 mins weights

breakfast (10am) - tall skinny vanilla latte, no fat strawberry yoghurt

lunch (1pm) - Vietnamese vermicelli noodles with pork and spring roll, tea

snack - 8:30pm - 10 rice crackers, 4 tbsp hummus

workout: 9pm - 10pm - 30 mins cardio (300 calories), 3 x 10 reps back abes, 3 x 10 reps abs

dinner: shwarma plate - with potates, rice + lentils, and salad with shwarma
2 small squares chocolate
tea

lunch - approx 1pm
chicken ceasar sandwhich (bacon and cheese)
half green salad
split pea soup

workout 6pm - 35 mins cardio, 2 3x10 reps legs, 1 2x10 reps arms

dinner - 10pm, lentil soup, samosa, spinach and phyllo, iced tea

I just need to bank 10-15 grande, then take a year off... and figure out what it is i do.

3 grand already down, another 3 in october, another 3 in november, and the final 3 before the new year. maybe just take 2009, for my own.

the advertising world and my milk goes bad in 2 days

the advertising world is a dark, dirty, despicable place, a place i try to avoid as often as i can, stay far far away from - until its absolutely unavoidable, at which point we have a run-in.

yesterday. here's how it works. you have an ad agency. the guys at the top, the hire the younger, most exuberant souls - just straight out of university, thirsty as fuck for the nectar of this decrepit land. foolishly all they see is dollar signs, hoping to continue being able to ware the designer labels, "business minded", they call themselves. these young folks, tho not my first choice in best friend mates, are actually pretty awesome and fun to hang out with.

i mean, we're all thirsty. we're all new. we're all pretty excited about the unlimited free drinks sponsored by our bosses.

but then there are the producers. the one level below the upper level. these folks are old, haggard, money hungry motherfuckers who say things like "i'm not gonna fuck them over, at least not that much". i hate these people. these are the people, where at the end of the night, you have a crowd of 6-8 young folks who can handle their drinks, and are living their prime, and then you have one of these motherfuckers in their 30's, drunker than any one else, fucking power tripping all over the place, talkin to you like you're dirt - they yell out grotesque things like "I NEEED WEEEEDDD~!! SOMEBODY GET ME WEED OR YOU'RE FIREDD!! HA HA HA HA HA"

i want to fuck these people with boulders man. i hate these people. these people ruin the whole idea of work for me.

these people depress the fuck out of me.

i ahte these people, and yet i know how to work them. you have to feed these people. its sickening, because they'll always think they're on top. but really, they are not.

i hate this world.

luckily, the people at my office are nice. they are humble. they are smart, but not people who look to fuck over others.

but the problem here is that i still am not being used at my job the way ineed to be used up.

i like the people. this was hard to find. and they potentially have aneed for me, as they are growing. they are dealing with one of the biggest ad agencies in north america, meaning they come with contacts and money and links. all of this is good.

but what good is it for me if i'm still not happy with what i'm doing at the end of the day?

i'm not going to get ahead of myself. i'm not going to leave the job because i'm sickened by the world in whcih they delve. but i AM going to give myself a time limit.

and if by december, i'm still cutting up pages and assembling flash files, i'm going to split.

and at the end of september, i am going to sit with my boss and explain to him my sorrows. he likes me. he wants me to be succesful. i want him to use me the best that can for the wage he is paying me.

but fuck is it ever frusterating.

this week:

no personal doobs, and if personal's take place, only one.

figure out working space - sell old table, get new? maybe. but fix workspace problem.

get adobe programs on computer

fix josh's website

pump out card for talkie

finish luka/mila's fish

buy plates + candies + glue, begin plate project

go to yoga with karen

meet food styling guy on monday



monday: meet food stylist guy, go to ikea - check out tables and get blinds

tuesday: help stephanie, or see jordo+ company

wed: visit family in oakville, come home, work on plates

thurs: yoga with king

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

Ill close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when youre holding me
Morning will come and Ill do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

i think the only way for me to even start feeling somewhat normal again is by seeing my family on a more regular basis.

secretly, all i've ever wanted was to be independent, able to spend days alone, secure and happy.  but possibly, i'm just not genetically modified for that.  which possibly sounds silly... but when i really think about it....  before any of us came to canada, we were always surounded by so much family. so much love, and so much support. 24/7.  there was always someone there who loved us unconditionally, able to get advice that was real, always there, and for bettering us.  a constant supply of love.

and now, it's nothing.

now i'm spending days and nights alone, alone, alone, and i just don't even know why. possibly because our family no longer functions the way we've all been conditioned to believe it did growing up.

but i'm starting to grow afraid, that if i don't find these things, put them in place - i may suffer further down the road.

i never understood why my aunt ended up in such an abusive relationship, for so long.  still to this day, with this person who treats her like garbage.  but then when i think about it, here is a woman who moved all by herself to alaska at the age of 18.  with no one and nothing. how hard it must have been for her to find someone to give her that feeling she had back home. and how terrible it went. even two, three marriages after.

i never understood, but maybe now i am. and i really don't want to end up like that.  to stick around with even someone who doesn't love you, just because you want to be loved.  even if its someone who i think is truly the stuff i've always looked for - no matter how perfect they seem - if they can't love me how i love them, then how different am i from the person who simply wants love?

friends can't fill the shoes of family and lovers.

so even tho my family is far away, entirely disfunctional - and only about one of them really cares for me the way family should, i really realy really ought to try and spend as much time over there as i can.

mostly to keep my values, self respect, and confidence at a healthy level. a place where i feel appreciated, and understood. of course the problem with this avenue (which i didn't see as such a problem with the lover in mind), is how i could give back them like they give me.

i feel like my brothers have one another, to check up, and give each other the support that family needs.  but somehow i got lost here.  somehow the family members who were in place to give me support, i support to them, well... they are so far.  but when i go to iran, midnight conversations with my cousin, and aunt, crying and talking until the wee hours of the morning - at least i know they are there, just very far away.

but had we not moved to this country, i wonder who i would have been then. how their advice and morals would have given me a much different sense of confidence and dignity.

at least i would have someone to talk to, who would understand, because they are razzaghi.  a female razzaghi. but here, i am so confused. and in many ways, paving a new road for what razzaghi is.  but oh so lost, and feeling oh so lonely. and shattering in front of everyone around me.

i'm simply just not made to be alone.

in the quest for selfishness

no problem,
today after work - i'm going to get myself a pedicure, buy myself some flowers, and then cook myself a meal - treats for hobs, and a good cleaning in the kitchen.

maybe finish it off with a bath and watch some mindless dribble on the laptop in the bath.

and make the plan for the rest of the week:
apply to corus job
apply to ideacouture
apply to the other job listing i found
ask to meet with cuppa for hellos
start making notes on what i wanna say to my boss about this job

and last but not least - think up ways to be self serving again tomorow.

possibly, this be the period in life where i'm unconsciously collecting travel friends to take on the next part of life. together with our thirst for life, adventure, and basically anything other than what we've got now... i think these travels will very much figure out what comes next.

save save save save
read read read

would like to be riding busses fast along curvy hills, people hitching in the middle of the night into nowhere - nights in marakesh sitting on the floor in plaza's with kids running around playing soccer and woman praying in corners.

looking into people's eyes and really feeling we're Doing something.

and of course listening to radiohead. ;)

ok loons de pants

25 in under 4 days

the least we can do is try and approach this newfound age with some sobriety and self control. at last. goodbye mary's of the finest j-porium, goodbye until friday.

clearity, self assurance, memory, and happiness.

and then there was just one...

not even sure where to begin

other than, between myself and close friends, we're all dealing with a whole lot of our own. I keep trying to explain all of us to one another, but can't help but wonder in the back of my head mostly just why, and if there's any point. also that maybe it's just not our respective business'. or is it?
starting to get mostly tired of all of this in my own head business... would really like another head to peak in. i talk and i talk and i talk and repeat these things that I "believe"... but at the end of the day, even I'm tired of my own thoughts. I would really like some fresh perspective. and a new way to look at things.
a situation to bring back value to this whole haze called life. it's not always supposed to be so hazy. i'd like to feel certain and secure, and invested in something I feel is worthwhile. and it should be easy, because it's real, it's felt, and sincere.

ahh... but it's not so easy...

I have just been the purveyor of some serious dramatics, and for this now, I feel stress.

But before I get into this, lets talk about my race towards scoring the perfect blogspot url, which had me stumbling across some awesome blogs. First and foremost, I believe I tried to chose lifeafterlove.blogspot.com . After that (which felt assuring, like if this person was able to do it, they wtf can't i? and sure, it's been 3 months and i'm still asking "why can't you love me?", but at least i'm not boiling bunnies, right?), I felt the need for inafit.blogspot.com - which was again taken, but not populated with anything at all. making me think that this inafit was in such a fit they simply split. but my favourite is absolutely my third unavailable choice: makeupyourmind.blogspot.com .

After a little reading, i think this chap's a highschool football player with a groin for less than jake and rise against. and lemme tell ya, lots of quotes from both those bands. but what got me most was a very honest and bona fide, not overly thought out, and i think rather quick to spit message:

"i have no clue what the hell is going on right now and i really really really really wish i had a clue of what anyone wanted, or what anyone cares about. i need something to know.."

wow, could that have been put any more perfectly. I need something to know. truly. i need something to know. i need to belong to something. a belongs by association, and not possession.

it's been a fucked up ride. i feel like all along, we grow up learning how to look out for ourselves, to take care of number one, cliffs are for avoiding, and candy is never to be from taken from strangers... but as for matters of the heart? here I walked in blind. i walked in blind, got lucky for some steps, and then head first on the side of the doorway, down the stairs (tumbling), and i'm stuck bleeding. and yet... still lookin for more stairs. In the same fuckin'apartment! FUCKD! EFFED! STUPID. stupid. and yet i can't even begin to think about the stupidity.