i think the only way for me to even start feeling somewhat normal again is by seeing my family on a more regular basis.

secretly, all i've ever wanted was to be independent, able to spend days alone, secure and happy.  but possibly, i'm just not genetically modified for that.  which possibly sounds silly... but when i really think about it....  before any of us came to canada, we were always surounded by so much family. so much love, and so much support. 24/7.  there was always someone there who loved us unconditionally, able to get advice that was real, always there, and for bettering us.  a constant supply of love.

and now, it's nothing.

now i'm spending days and nights alone, alone, alone, and i just don't even know why. possibly because our family no longer functions the way we've all been conditioned to believe it did growing up.

but i'm starting to grow afraid, that if i don't find these things, put them in place - i may suffer further down the road.

i never understood why my aunt ended up in such an abusive relationship, for so long.  still to this day, with this person who treats her like garbage.  but then when i think about it, here is a woman who moved all by herself to alaska at the age of 18.  with no one and nothing. how hard it must have been for her to find someone to give her that feeling she had back home. and how terrible it went. even two, three marriages after.

i never understood, but maybe now i am. and i really don't want to end up like that.  to stick around with even someone who doesn't love you, just because you want to be loved.  even if its someone who i think is truly the stuff i've always looked for - no matter how perfect they seem - if they can't love me how i love them, then how different am i from the person who simply wants love?

friends can't fill the shoes of family and lovers.

so even tho my family is far away, entirely disfunctional - and only about one of them really cares for me the way family should, i really realy really ought to try and spend as much time over there as i can.

mostly to keep my values, self respect, and confidence at a healthy level. a place where i feel appreciated, and understood. of course the problem with this avenue (which i didn't see as such a problem with the lover in mind), is how i could give back them like they give me.

i feel like my brothers have one another, to check up, and give each other the support that family needs.  but somehow i got lost here.  somehow the family members who were in place to give me support, i support to them, well... they are so far.  but when i go to iran, midnight conversations with my cousin, and aunt, crying and talking until the wee hours of the morning - at least i know they are there, just very far away.

but had we not moved to this country, i wonder who i would have been then. how their advice and morals would have given me a much different sense of confidence and dignity.

at least i would have someone to talk to, who would understand, because they are razzaghi.  a female razzaghi. but here, i am so confused. and in many ways, paving a new road for what razzaghi is.  but oh so lost, and feeling oh so lonely. and shattering in front of everyone around me.

i'm simply just not made to be alone.