the advertising world and my milk goes bad in 2 days

the advertising world is a dark, dirty, despicable place, a place i try to avoid as often as i can, stay far far away from - until its absolutely unavoidable, at which point we have a run-in.

yesterday. here's how it works. you have an ad agency. the guys at the top, the hire the younger, most exuberant souls - just straight out of university, thirsty as fuck for the nectar of this decrepit land. foolishly all they see is dollar signs, hoping to continue being able to ware the designer labels, "business minded", they call themselves. these young folks, tho not my first choice in best friend mates, are actually pretty awesome and fun to hang out with.

i mean, we're all thirsty. we're all new. we're all pretty excited about the unlimited free drinks sponsored by our bosses.

but then there are the producers. the one level below the upper level. these folks are old, haggard, money hungry motherfuckers who say things like "i'm not gonna fuck them over, at least not that much". i hate these people. these are the people, where at the end of the night, you have a crowd of 6-8 young folks who can handle their drinks, and are living their prime, and then you have one of these motherfuckers in their 30's, drunker than any one else, fucking power tripping all over the place, talkin to you like you're dirt - they yell out grotesque things like "I NEEED WEEEEDDD~!! SOMEBODY GET ME WEED OR YOU'RE FIREDD!! HA HA HA HA HA"

i want to fuck these people with boulders man. i hate these people. these people ruin the whole idea of work for me.

these people depress the fuck out of me.

i ahte these people, and yet i know how to work them. you have to feed these people. its sickening, because they'll always think they're on top. but really, they are not.

i hate this world.

luckily, the people at my office are nice. they are humble. they are smart, but not people who look to fuck over others.

but the problem here is that i still am not being used at my job the way ineed to be used up.

i like the people. this was hard to find. and they potentially have aneed for me, as they are growing. they are dealing with one of the biggest ad agencies in north america, meaning they come with contacts and money and links. all of this is good.

but what good is it for me if i'm still not happy with what i'm doing at the end of the day?

i'm not going to get ahead of myself. i'm not going to leave the job because i'm sickened by the world in whcih they delve. but i AM going to give myself a time limit.

and if by december, i'm still cutting up pages and assembling flash files, i'm going to split.

and at the end of september, i am going to sit with my boss and explain to him my sorrows. he likes me. he wants me to be succesful. i want him to use me the best that can for the wage he is paying me.

but fuck is it ever frusterating.

this week:

no personal doobs, and if personal's take place, only one.

figure out working space - sell old table, get new? maybe. but fix workspace problem.

get adobe programs on computer

fix josh's website

pump out card for talkie

finish luka/mila's fish

buy plates + candies + glue, begin plate project

go to yoga with karen

meet food styling guy on monday



monday: meet food stylist guy, go to ikea - check out tables and get blinds

tuesday: help stephanie, or see jordo+ company

wed: visit family in oakville, come home, work on plates

thurs: yoga with king

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

Ill close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when youre holding me
Morning will come and Ill do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

i think the only way for me to even start feeling somewhat normal again is by seeing my family on a more regular basis.

secretly, all i've ever wanted was to be independent, able to spend days alone, secure and happy.  but possibly, i'm just not genetically modified for that.  which possibly sounds silly... but when i really think about it....  before any of us came to canada, we were always surounded by so much family. so much love, and so much support. 24/7.  there was always someone there who loved us unconditionally, able to get advice that was real, always there, and for bettering us.  a constant supply of love.

and now, it's nothing.

now i'm spending days and nights alone, alone, alone, and i just don't even know why. possibly because our family no longer functions the way we've all been conditioned to believe it did growing up.

but i'm starting to grow afraid, that if i don't find these things, put them in place - i may suffer further down the road.

i never understood why my aunt ended up in such an abusive relationship, for so long.  still to this day, with this person who treats her like garbage.  but then when i think about it, here is a woman who moved all by herself to alaska at the age of 18.  with no one and nothing. how hard it must have been for her to find someone to give her that feeling she had back home. and how terrible it went. even two, three marriages after.

i never understood, but maybe now i am. and i really don't want to end up like that.  to stick around with even someone who doesn't love you, just because you want to be loved.  even if its someone who i think is truly the stuff i've always looked for - no matter how perfect they seem - if they can't love me how i love them, then how different am i from the person who simply wants love?

friends can't fill the shoes of family and lovers.

so even tho my family is far away, entirely disfunctional - and only about one of them really cares for me the way family should, i really realy really ought to try and spend as much time over there as i can.

mostly to keep my values, self respect, and confidence at a healthy level. a place where i feel appreciated, and understood. of course the problem with this avenue (which i didn't see as such a problem with the lover in mind), is how i could give back them like they give me.

i feel like my brothers have one another, to check up, and give each other the support that family needs.  but somehow i got lost here.  somehow the family members who were in place to give me support, i support to them, well... they are so far.  but when i go to iran, midnight conversations with my cousin, and aunt, crying and talking until the wee hours of the morning - at least i know they are there, just very far away.

but had we not moved to this country, i wonder who i would have been then. how their advice and morals would have given me a much different sense of confidence and dignity.

at least i would have someone to talk to, who would understand, because they are razzaghi.  a female razzaghi. but here, i am so confused. and in many ways, paving a new road for what razzaghi is.  but oh so lost, and feeling oh so lonely. and shattering in front of everyone around me.

i'm simply just not made to be alone.