I have just been the purveyor of some serious dramatics, and for this now, I feel stress.

But before I get into this, lets talk about my race towards scoring the perfect blogspot url, which had me stumbling across some awesome blogs. First and foremost, I believe I tried to chose lifeafterlove.blogspot.com . After that (which felt assuring, like if this person was able to do it, they wtf can't i? and sure, it's been 3 months and i'm still asking "why can't you love me?", but at least i'm not boiling bunnies, right?), I felt the need for inafit.blogspot.com - which was again taken, but not populated with anything at all. making me think that this inafit was in such a fit they simply split. but my favourite is absolutely my third unavailable choice: makeupyourmind.blogspot.com .

After a little reading, i think this chap's a highschool football player with a groin for less than jake and rise against. and lemme tell ya, lots of quotes from both those bands. but what got me most was a very honest and bona fide, not overly thought out, and i think rather quick to spit message:

"i have no clue what the hell is going on right now and i really really really really wish i had a clue of what anyone wanted, or what anyone cares about. i need something to know.."

wow, could that have been put any more perfectly. I need something to know. truly. i need something to know. i need to belong to something. a belongs by association, and not possession.

it's been a fucked up ride. i feel like all along, we grow up learning how to look out for ourselves, to take care of number one, cliffs are for avoiding, and candy is never to be from taken from strangers... but as for matters of the heart? here I walked in blind. i walked in blind, got lucky for some steps, and then head first on the side of the doorway, down the stairs (tumbling), and i'm stuck bleeding. and yet... still lookin for more stairs. In the same fuckin'apartment! FUCKD! EFFED! STUPID. stupid. and yet i can't even begin to think about the stupidity.