Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

Ill close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when youre holding me
Morning will come and Ill do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

i think the only way for me to even start feeling somewhat normal again is by seeing my family on a more regular basis.

secretly, all i've ever wanted was to be independent, able to spend days alone, secure and happy.  but possibly, i'm just not genetically modified for that.  which possibly sounds silly... but when i really think about it....  before any of us came to canada, we were always surounded by so much family. so much love, and so much support. 24/7.  there was always someone there who loved us unconditionally, able to get advice that was real, always there, and for bettering us.  a constant supply of love.

and now, it's nothing.

now i'm spending days and nights alone, alone, alone, and i just don't even know why. possibly because our family no longer functions the way we've all been conditioned to believe it did growing up.

but i'm starting to grow afraid, that if i don't find these things, put them in place - i may suffer further down the road.

i never understood why my aunt ended up in such an abusive relationship, for so long.  still to this day, with this person who treats her like garbage.  but then when i think about it, here is a woman who moved all by herself to alaska at the age of 18.  with no one and nothing. how hard it must have been for her to find someone to give her that feeling she had back home. and how terrible it went. even two, three marriages after.

i never understood, but maybe now i am. and i really don't want to end up like that.  to stick around with even someone who doesn't love you, just because you want to be loved.  even if its someone who i think is truly the stuff i've always looked for - no matter how perfect they seem - if they can't love me how i love them, then how different am i from the person who simply wants love?

friends can't fill the shoes of family and lovers.

so even tho my family is far away, entirely disfunctional - and only about one of them really cares for me the way family should, i really realy really ought to try and spend as much time over there as i can.

mostly to keep my values, self respect, and confidence at a healthy level. a place where i feel appreciated, and understood. of course the problem with this avenue (which i didn't see as such a problem with the lover in mind), is how i could give back them like they give me.

i feel like my brothers have one another, to check up, and give each other the support that family needs.  but somehow i got lost here.  somehow the family members who were in place to give me support, i support to them, well... they are so far.  but when i go to iran, midnight conversations with my cousin, and aunt, crying and talking until the wee hours of the morning - at least i know they are there, just very far away.

but had we not moved to this country, i wonder who i would have been then. how their advice and morals would have given me a much different sense of confidence and dignity.

at least i would have someone to talk to, who would understand, because they are razzaghi.  a female razzaghi. but here, i am so confused. and in many ways, paving a new road for what razzaghi is.  but oh so lost, and feeling oh so lonely. and shattering in front of everyone around me.

i'm simply just not made to be alone.

in the quest for selfishness

no problem,
today after work - i'm going to get myself a pedicure, buy myself some flowers, and then cook myself a meal - treats for hobs, and a good cleaning in the kitchen.

maybe finish it off with a bath and watch some mindless dribble on the laptop in the bath.

and make the plan for the rest of the week:
apply to corus job
apply to ideacouture
apply to the other job listing i found
ask to meet with cuppa for hellos
start making notes on what i wanna say to my boss about this job

and last but not least - think up ways to be self serving again tomorow.

possibly, this be the period in life where i'm unconsciously collecting travel friends to take on the next part of life. together with our thirst for life, adventure, and basically anything other than what we've got now... i think these travels will very much figure out what comes next.

save save save save
read read read

would like to be riding busses fast along curvy hills, people hitching in the middle of the night into nowhere - nights in marakesh sitting on the floor in plaza's with kids running around playing soccer and woman praying in corners.

looking into people's eyes and really feeling we're Doing something.

and of course listening to radiohead. ;)

ok loons de pants

25 in under 4 days

the least we can do is try and approach this newfound age with some sobriety and self control. at last. goodbye mary's of the finest j-porium, goodbye until friday.

clearity, self assurance, memory, and happiness.

and then there was just one...

not even sure where to begin

other than, between myself and close friends, we're all dealing with a whole lot of our own. I keep trying to explain all of us to one another, but can't help but wonder in the back of my head mostly just why, and if there's any point. also that maybe it's just not our respective business'. or is it?
starting to get mostly tired of all of this in my own head business... would really like another head to peak in. i talk and i talk and i talk and repeat these things that I "believe"... but at the end of the day, even I'm tired of my own thoughts. I would really like some fresh perspective. and a new way to look at things.
a situation to bring back value to this whole haze called life. it's not always supposed to be so hazy. i'd like to feel certain and secure, and invested in something I feel is worthwhile. and it should be easy, because it's real, it's felt, and sincere.

ahh... but it's not so easy...